i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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