I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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