did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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