Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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