Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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