he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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