you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
