Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
