I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
