just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
