Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
