You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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