Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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