She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
