Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
