I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
