just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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