That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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