Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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