My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
