You just made me feel so damn special
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
