Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
