To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
