I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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