I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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