Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
