Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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