i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he puts the penis in happiness.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dignity is for republicans.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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