Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
