i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
