I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
