So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
