my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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