I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
