I wish I could teleport
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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