Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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