Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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