I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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