sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
