So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
