What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
