this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
