They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
