Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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