I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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