How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
