Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
