i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
