My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
