Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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